I wrote the blog Is Self-Love Selfish a few years back. Recent conversations with some of our gym members have prompted me to bring that conversation back, but instead of using the word self-love, I am tagging in self-care. Some would agree it’s similar in meaning, and self-love is equally important, but it’s interesting that taking care of ourselves is such a challenge. It’s almost easier taking care of others than it is ourselves. I think those who are natural born caregivers in life have an especially hard time dealing with this task. The opposite extreme are those who really don’t care about anyone else and find this easy, but that’s really more self-absorption, not self-care. How do we find that balance so we can give ourselves the care we need and not feel guilty about it, so we can take care of all our responsibilities and people we love? Self-care is not so black and white. Let’s take a deeper dive:
Before we get into the nitty gritty, let’s take a look at the actual dictionary definitions of these two words:
Selfish – devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
Selfcare – the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one's own health.
"autonomy in self-care and insulin administration". The practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.
"expressing oneself is an essential form of self-care"
I feel like this is a topic that comes up often when working with clients and even in my own life. I try to promote self-love, self-care and me-time to my clients and students as much as possible. A lot of times I can see that there is the feeling of “guilt” or being “selfish” when the topic of taking time to do things for you comes up.
As we look at the definitions between the two, the biggest difference is that selfishness simply disregards others. This is not the point of self-care. The ultimate goal is to do things that make you happy and create balance in your life. We are all so busy, whether with work, families, friends, partners, activities, etc. In order to juggle everything, be a bit more grounded and reduce our stress, we need to set aside time for ourselves. That keeps us sane and makes our world a better place, which is good for us of course, but also for everyone around us. When we carry too much stress and don’t take any “me” time, we bottle up emotions, build resentment, and are just unhappy. This is not healthy.
The definition emphasizes protecting one's own well-being and happiness. If we don’t protect something so sacred, who else will? We can’t rely on others to make us happy or protect our well-being. Of course we can have partners, families, and people in our lives that love us and offer support, but our happiness is not their job — it’s ours.
To do that job right, you need to let go of those guilty feelings when it comes to doing things for you! It is not only okay, it is essential! The people who truly love you will encourage and support that. If they do not, it’s time for conversation about respecting each other’s needs as individuals.
When it comes to making that me-time, remember that you’re in charge of making it a priority. Whether it’s daily meditation, getting in a workout, enjoying a favorite hobby, hanging out with friends – spending time with friends, whatever – you are the one who has to make it happen. You know this is something you need, so schedule that time, go after it, and do it for you! There is nothing wrong with showing yourself the same care and kindness you show everyone else. And it just makes you stronger!
As someone who would always make everyone else’s happiness a priority, I have learned that you cannot avoid your own happiness. Your emotions will catch up with you, believe me. When I realized that, I started making decisions and choices based on what truly made me happy. I started showing myself love and letting go of guilt. Remember, honoring your happiness and feelings, even if it is a challenging path to get there, ends up being better both for you and those around you.
Don’t be intimidated by the idea of self-care. Instead, be inspired! Like almost anything, planning is the key to success, so look at your schedule, see where you can dedicate time to doing what makes you happy, and make it part of your new routine. Trust me, you will be glad you did!