It’s taken me a minute to really sit down and write about this topic, and I’m sure this will be the first of many blogs I write on stepmomming, but I’ve been really inspired lately by Christina, host of The Radical Stepmoms Podcast. Her IG account @radicalstepmomspodcast uses humor, love and truth to support the stepmom community, a community that I’ve only recently realized has a tough time getting much love.
A while back, Christina posted about the Hero vs. Villain mentality when comparing the perception of stepdads vs stepmoms; I never really thought about the difference until I stepped into this role. I officially became a stepmom to two now-teenage daughters when we got married this year, but I have been in their lives for a few years, since our youngest was ten. We have all been living together for two years now. I feel lucky saying that it’s been a pretty natural and organic relationship. We connected right away, and although there have been normal growing pains and transitions, our relationship has become solid, forming pretty naturally and without much force.
This does not mean it's been all sunshine and rainbows, but it has always been real and authentic through the ups and downs. The challenges I’ve experienced include typical teenage drama like issues at school or with friends, as well as their relationships with their mother (and sometimes their father). We work together to navigate all of this. The big objective for my husband and me is to model a healthy, loving relationship and to provide a stable, supportive and loving home as much as possible. That’s what we can control in a joint-custody scenario.
One thing I have noticed, however, is that there’s a distinct difference between how stepmoms and stepdads are regarded in a new family. When a stepdad enters the picture, he often gets all kinds of praise, like he’s swooping in to help raise the kids, basically saving some damsel in distress. He’s so amazing and so selfless! Blah blah blah! (Seriously though, props to those dads. It’s awesome that those kids and families are so fortunate to have that love).
My question is this: Why is it that when a stepmom enters the picture offering the same love and support they are often portrayed as a villain, the enemy? As you probably guessed, it’s usually other women throwing shade; a few blogs back I wrote about how women can be nasty towards each other when we should be empowering and supporting one another. Now, I’m not completely naive. I know that there can be tension and hostility, and it is an especially touchy situation when kids are in the mix. In this case, I’m talking about showing some grace and respect. My stepdaughters are not mine biologically, but I love them with the same affection. I make their lunches, do their laundry, cook for them, clean up after them, do pickups and dropoffs, have tough conversations, laugh, hug and show them love in all kinds of ways. Heck, I moved 700 miles away from my own family to be with them. I would do anything for them. Isn’t that what any good parent does?
The sucker-punch is when someone reminds you that your stepchildren “aren’t really your kids” as though that means I shouldn’t really care about them. It dismisses all the work you do to make sure everyone is getting the attention, affection and appreciation we all need! And when a mom is having a bad day, people are quick to show love and support. But when a stepmom is having a bad day, we hear, “well, that's what you signed up for,” as if we can’t get just as wrung out after a long day. Not gonna lie--that feels pretty messed up and can make being a stepmom feel like the loneliest role.
Ultimately, I can shake all that off. Having a great partner definitely helps. I know he worries about how all this affects me, recognizing the stress and concern I feel while dealing with his own daily demands as well. Of course I am stubborn because I feel like I have to be the strong one for everyone. That makes it tough for me to detach, but I can, knowing I have my own support network to lean into.
In the end it’s all worth it. I love my little family so much and wouldn't trade anything. And there are those days when it feels like things couldn’t get any more challenging. That’s when I get the unexpected, “I love you,” the sneak-up hug, or welcome smile that delivers a dose of gratitude. Those little things, after all, are really the big things that keep us all going, and that’s what family is all about, right?