It’s back-to-back blog weeks for my BJJ peeps. I had some great conversations after posting last week's article about red flags to look for when looking for a jiu-jitsu school or gym. Women were especially outspoken, and being a female coach I have had this convo plenty of times, hearing general concerns and often seriously troublesome issues.
Here’s an interesting twist: You may think the biggest topic that comes up centers around uncomfortable situations with male training partners or sexual assault scenarios. And while those issues are real and sadly too frequent, the simple reality is that training with other women is one of the biggest concerns many women bring up. A while back I wrote the blog article I’ve Had it With Mean Girls: It’s Time for Women to Recognize We’re All on the Same Team. This was after I attended a Hips & Grips BJJ and Climbing Camp for women, (which I will be teaching at later this year). It was refreshing to see how well everyone got along.
Sadly, that level of cohesion among female teammates and training partners can be the exception rather than the norm. We all presume that when it comes to having big egos, it’s men who claim the title. But in my experience, I’ve seen women with egos that would put a roomful of so-called alpha males to shame. The most obvious instance of that is when a female competitor refuses to train with other women as though that is somehow beneath them or it would mean a less intense, less rewarding level of training. That’s a weird kind of sexism if you ask me. It cuts off the awesome transfer of knowledge that takes place when a high-level person trains with someone with less experience.
Another scenario is when there’s a misalignment in training expectations. Some of us train because we are focused on competition. Some train to stay in shape. And some train because they love building a skill and being in a great community. Naturally, when these different dispositions interact, there can be criticism and complaint. I know of several instances over the years where a woman training jiu-jitsu as more of a hobbyist has said that their partner was going too hard, and even got upset if they get submitted. Regardless of why you train, I think we have to agree that we are practicing a fighting art, so if you go against someone better than you or someone preparing for a tournament and they tap you a dozen times in a round, you have to let that be a humbling, learning experience.
Of course, when it comes to sparring with anyone, setting expectations is always a good idea. I’ve seen many women start sparring expecting a nice, flowy round and then their eyes get wide with surprise when the other woman they’re partnered with goes ham. This could be easily addressed with a quick conversation right before the roll. Ask your partner, do you want to flow roll, or are you expecting competition pace? Are leg attacks, kneebars and heel hooks allowed? You get my drift. Different people have different goals, so just take a moment to agree on what you each expect in the round. Women are usually seen as the more communicative types, so let’s communicate!
As a female black belt instructor who teaches both co-ed classes and womens-only classes, my goal is to ensure a training environment that hits that ideal balance of intensity and safety, where everyone’s jiu-jitsu gets better and we can all focus on improving, whatever that means to each of us. I hope everyone on every mat thinks the same way, keeping our schools positive places that are free of drama and full of good training, good people, and good vibes!